I had a dream last night that we were still together, but we were fighting. Strange as it seems, I woke up wishing briefly that it was real. Delilah woke me up by tunneling under my arms so that I was spooning her. I woke up smiling and we got up to go for our walk.
As we went up the hill, I found myself reevaluating the last few months of our relationship. I tried to find the exact moment when everything changed. In so doing, I couldn’t remember a single time that she’d looked at me the same way she did in the beginning, and even as I sit here writing this, I’m starting to think that maybe she wasn’t right for me after all. I know I deserve someone who is as enthralled with me as I am with them. I deserve someone that surprises me with little things and who texts or calls me for no particular reason. Maybe she’d been falling away for the last year, too slowly for me to really notice it; maybe if she’d opened up to me for a change, something could have been done sooner.
Then again, there are too many ifs in that sentence.
I went on my first grocery shopping trip for one in over two years today. It was strange buying so little. It was strange buying whole milk instead of Lactaid, which we both drank because she is lactose intolerant. It was strange buying fewer bananas because I knew I’d be the only one eating them.
It still feels so surreal.